A few weeks ago Stef and I sat down to torture ourselves with episode three of the new Famous Five series. Please disregard Stef’s attempts to say that this was my idea, because it was in fact hers.
For some reason I was thinking episode three was the one set in the hotel… it was not.
Also, I don’t think I can bear to rewatch this to provide you with context/get the details right so… good luck understanding this.
Fiona: It’s not even the hotel episode so we don’t even have Jemima Rooper to-
Stef: Get us through it.
Fiona: To save us, yeah.
Stef: It looks like it’s going to be a mix. Caravan or Wonderful Time. The picture has caravany circus things in it.
Fiona: Remember that I have to type everything you say so please be SUCCINCT.
Fiona: Nobody needs to see that again [the intro, which I skipped]
Fiona: Spooky techno woods.
Stef: Crossed with Five on a Hike maybe?
[Men in dinner suits run through the woods]
Fiona: What – why ?
Stef: No idea.
Stef: Five are Together Again?
Stef: Five Get Into Trouble?
Fiona: You’re just gonna run through all 21 books…?
[The cousins are about to leave Kirrin for London]
Stef: Aww poor George
Fiona: So they’ve been staying with the Kirrins for the entire two… no… yeah?
Fiona: George looks like a sailor.
Fiona: George doesn’t cry!!
Stef: At least not openly which is why she’s gone into the woods.
[The suit men are still around.]
Fiona: Still just suiting about.
Stef: George can get kidnapped?
[A weird man appears]
Fiona: What, if they mistake her for a man in a weird hat? [I was thinking Richard Kent/Dick Kirrin]
Stef: Stranger things have happened.
Fiona: Why does her t-shirt look like something from Topshop and not the 1950s?
Stef: Looks like ones we bought in New Look like 8 years ago. [I think I still have some of those t-shirts. Fast fashion, what’s that?]
Stef: Thought it was him [Jason Flemyng]
[Julian goes to find George. I think?]
Stef: Anne’s going to have to make dinner all on her own is she?
Fiona: D’you think we could put it on 1.5 playback speed and get through it faster?
Fiona: Nearly ten minutes in and nothing has happened.
Stef: And we’ve got an hour and 8 minutes to go.
[They agree to hide the man with the hat.]
Fiona: Obviously [To: we don’t tell my parents.]
Stef: Anne has the best facial reactions.
Fiona: I still don’t know which book this is.
Fiona: I’m so bored.
[A car hoots outside Kirrin Cottage. The hiding man goes to look.]
Stef: Why is he going to look?
Stef: Dick has a very good line in ugly pullovers. Seems to have transcended generations.
[Dr Graves tell the Kirrins they’ve lost a patient from their mental hospital.]
Fiona: Still don’t know what book this is.
Stef: I love that George’s parents always get so duped.
[Hiding hat man says They say I’m mad but I’m not.]
Fiona: Are you sure about that?
Stef: Anne’s like: “I didn’t make a promise.”
Fiona: Get to the damned adventure people.
[The doctor looks around Kirrin Cottage.]
Fiona: That’s it dont look suspicious. [I think I meant the Five who are all standing around looking like they’re up to something.]
Stef: Something to do with that pencil.
Fiona: [The mental hospital is] Owls’ Dene?
Stef: Or red tower?
Fiona: She doesn’t have a red beard.
Stef: It’s entirely possible he has PTSD from WWI.
Fiona: The diamond it’s always a diamond.
Stef: What is it about… why is it glowing??
Stef: Some sort of truth serum?
Fiona: No tinkering at the dinner table!
Stef: There are wires everywhere.
Stef: He’s going to electrocute himself… no he didn’t.
Stef: Where’s the milk?
Fiona: He drank it.
Fiona: Maybe it’s paranoia milk.
Stef: Like LSD?
[A creepy clown on the road]
Fiona: I mean… why?
Stef: That is Together Again.
Stef: Clowns don’t talk.
Fiona: I would not be going anywhere that creepy-*** clown is.
Fiona: It just makes no sense.
[George manages to persuade everyone that her cousins should stay another day to visit the circus…]
Fiona: Never mind that the kids might miss their parents.
Stef: Anne’s going to be so upset she has to unpack again.
Fiona: Surely Aunt Fanny’s dying to get rid of them, all that extra work.
[At the circus]
Fiona: Creepy, creepy, creepy.
Stef: I mean these are creepy.
Fiona: Very modern circus tent with all the… [LINE?]
Stef: Rigging.
Stef: Really good running after a small child who’s clearly terrified.
Stef: How much longer left?
Fiona: Too long.
Fiona: I don’t know what was worse the spider incident or this. [As I went to get the remote to turn the TV on I felt a tickle, scratched my neck and dislodged a spider the size of a fifty pence piece!!!]
Fiona: At least the spider was quick.
Stef: Why is it lit like…
Fiona: Nightmare fuel?
Stef: A 1970s hammer horror film.
Stef: I bet the teddy has the diamond in it.
Stef: Breaking and entering already George.
[Quentin has a bee in his bonnet about some radio signal.]
Stef: What on earth is he doing???
Stef: Aunt fanny in the books would not put up with this.
Stef: A radio mast on top of church…
Fiona: That’s quite obvious.
[Quentin at the church: That’s it we’ve picked up BBC radio 2!]
Stef: It’s a church of course there’s not a doorbell.
Stef: They’re going to get themselves kidnapped again aren’t they?
Fiona: Just sitting there doing nothing useful.
Fiona: Did you even look?
Fiona Does she have no eyebrows? [I look up tilly walker]
Stef: It’s gonna be like paste isn’t it.
Fiona: Yeah just a piece of glass.
Fiona: We’re almost half way. It’s so bad.
Fiona: So boring.
Stef: I’m interested to know if Brodie would like it.
[At this point I’m so bored I’m looking at reviews of the episode and I think this sums it up pretty well. Yeah, I basically spoiled the episode for myself. Or at least I would have done if it wasn’t so awful.]
So what actually happened in this totally bonkers programme, which bore very little resemblance to anything written by Enid Blyton? Well, there was a circus, which is admittedly very Blyton. And there was a girl called Jo – but she was possessed of magic hypnotic powers. And her dad was locked up in a psychiatric hospital by baddies who wanted him to force Jo to hypnotise people over the radio (keep up!), and make them overthrow the government to prevent British involvement in the forthcoming (Second World) war. We were told that this was because the chief baddie (Art Malik) had lost his son in the Great War, and was desperate to prevent any more deaths, which would have been quite moving had the plot not been so completely mad
Stef: The last one had a flipping submarine in it.
Fiona: Well, the first twenty minutes were loosely based on Five Go Adventuring Again. Then it went off the rails. This one had no rails to begin with.
Fiona: Can you just hurry up and die of consumption?
Fiona: How can something be so insane and also so boring at the same time?
Stef: I wish I knew.
Fiona: Oh my god, you and dick are on the same wavelength.
Fiona: DONT PULL ITS HEAD OFF!
Stef: That poor bear!
Stef: Now they’ve got two teddy bears so they’re going to swap them around.
Fiona: Like they didn’t do that in the last one with the typewriter.
Stef: Yeah.
Fiona: So had he told them [the baddies] it’s in the teddy?
Stef: Presumably. Or with his daughter.
Stef: Anne, now is not the time.
Stef: Waiting for someone to go DOOF.
Fiona: So there’s ACTUAL magic??
Stef: The clown’s in on it.
Fiona: In on what?
Stef: I don’t know.
Stef: He’s going to point them right to the children.
[Unfortunately she was correct.]
Stef: There we go. Told you.
Stef: They have a ferocious dog… why…?
[George climbs in the back of the baddies’ van.]
Stef: Yes… like they’re not going to notice that.
Fiona: Well obviously they’re not going to notice because she’s going to get to the… place. [Hospital/asylum/whatever it is.]
Fiona: Ok so they did notice.
Fiona: So why are they [Quentin and Fanny] there??
Stef: They’ve phoned her parents?
Fiona: So everyone’s been kidnapped.
[Q & F announce they’ve lost their daughter]
Stef: Ahh.
Fiona: So why are there?!?!
Stef: Because if your daughter goes missing you visit the nearest psych ward?
Fiona: WHY.
Stef: Julian!
Fiona: It’s a twist on earlier.
Stef: They took jo…
Fiona: Oh so you were just describing what was on screen becauseI wasn’t paying attention.
Fiona: Someone posted a new chapter of a Casey and Landon fic.
[Stef literally confiscates my phone]
Fiona: Yes I would rather watch 30 minutes of you all sleeping than the rest of the episode.
Fiona: She might be dead for all you know.
Stef: So they put the child in the room connected by the fireplace so she can hear everything they are saying.
Fiona: I told you it was
Both: Glass!
[George to hat man: I came to rescue you]
Fiona: And how’s that working out for you, George?
Stef: Oh no it’s creepy guy from…
Fiona: Episode 1.
Fiona: Oh is he a patient there?
Fiona: Oh don’t work together!
Fiona: Why has the henchman brought [George] to [the crazy man from episode 1]?
Stef: A lot of money I suppose?
Stef: I thought he went around the twist.
Fiona: And what’s suggesting otherwise??
[George says I have no idea what you’re talking about]
Fiona: Neither do I.
Fiona: Oh of course he did didn’t he. He did the whole [puts two fingers on each temple] thing.
Stef: You’re not helping.
Stef: What are you Nostradamus?
[George asks the rest of the Five what are you guys doing here?]
Fiona: Just a fun visit.
Stef: He’s going to say they broke in…
Fiona: On getting you to the church on time.
Stef: I don’t think he called the police at all.
Fiona: Quick on your bicycles pedal pedal!
[Fanny asks Where. have. you. been?]
Stef: Molly Weasley vibes.
Fiona: Just ask the man. He knows where it is.
Stef: He’s taken what Dr G said to heart.
Fiona: He’s trying to psychoanalyse her.
Stef: Ask your father where the damn church is.
Stef: I mean he’s got good intentions.
Fiona: Yeah but creepy as anything and the wrong way of doing it all.
Fiona: Don’t get the significance of LBIFD.
Fiona: What is the significance of the pencil??
Stef: Oh god they’re going to climb the tower.
Stef: Can she read?
Fiona: She has lessons from the ringmaster.
Fiona: Does it [her “magic power”] work if she’s not looking at them?
Stef: No.
Stef: Oh so the tower has a different door.
Stef: You’d have been better climbing up and cutting the wires.
Stef: Obvious peeping behind a grave.
Fiona: They’re not good at hiding.
Stef: Why didn’t they lock and barricade the door?
Stef: Anne could have snuck in and untied them by now.
Fiona: Why don’t you go and brainwash Hitler?
Stef: He’s gonna blow his own brains out.
Fiona: Dark!
Ste: Maybe don’t write that.
Stef: No we’re all right.
Stef: The most boring ending to the most boring episode.
Stef: At least the others got a bit more exciting.
Stef: Bet their parents have gone off somewhere again.
Stef: It’ll be Wentworth. [So that’s the crazy man’s name!]
Both [In a tone of DUH]: Wentworth.
Stef: They’re going to the circus.
[and timmy…]
Fiona: Who was hardly in the episode.
Fiona: D’you know what the best bit of the episode was?
Fiona: When it was over.
Fiona
pippastef
worldofblyton
